I was watching American Idol tonight, and one of the young contestants — Siobhan Magnus — sang this song by McCartney and Lennon. It was beautiful. I listened to the words and found tears flowing down my cheeks. I realized how much this song was “me” right now.
My heart has been aching about as bad as my body lately. I spent a very lonely Easter Sunday at home, away from those I have loved so much. Only three calls — my son in Texas and his family, my ex-husband, and a dear friend who lives in California. I shared my heartache and pain with her, and we both made it through the lonely holiday together.
I was upset, I was hurt, I was angry, I was beyond forgiving the person I hold so dear in my heart. How could he hurt me so much? Then I realized tonight listening to this song, “Nothing’s Gonna Change My World.” No matter how much you may hurt from others’ actions, some things — that love — will never, ever change. God gave us so many wonderful blessings in the human body, but the one I sometimes wish he had kept was the ability to have a broken heart.
Yes, I live in constant pain between my rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis, and constant limitations since my accident in July. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have asked Phillip, “Why didn’t you all let me die? I would have been better off. I want my life back again.” I want to be like other grandparents. I want to be able to run and play with my grandchildren. I want to walk normal again. I want to be able to do things around my home like I used to do. I want to plant a garden. I want to go out and walk through parks and take photographs again. I want to be normal again.
Then this song comes back into my mind. No matter what happens to this broken heart and this broken body, “Nothing’s Gonna Change My World.” I still must remain the one person I am — the person who loves God and loves God’s creations. This alone must be enough to want to live life each day. I must do the best in the body God has given me, and thank Him for this — because God is seeing some purpose in this, I am just to blind to see it now. Maybe later. Until then, I must be thankful for what I do have which is more than many.
You sound very sad at the moment. It makes me sad to hear you so.Try to think positively. Three phone calls were better than none. Think of your beautiful grandchildren. You are lucky Phillip is supportive.It must be very frustrating not being very mobile I hope things improve for you soon.
You are so right Diane. I am having a lot of sadness. I do have my family in Texas, I just wish they were in Memphis instead — but where they live is so much better for them teaching and my grandchildren. Memphis is getting worse and worse it seems. Lots of crime too. They are safer there.
Phillip is so sweet to me. I think I would have given up a long time again if not for him. He keeps me going and laughing. I am so blessed to have him in my life. I truly am.